Twenty Minutes with Jerks
by Kaori
Summary: Uchiha Sasuke forcibly attends Avengers Anonymous. Includes cameo appearances from various sources.


For those of you curious about the title, I started writing this story twenty minutes before I got off from work. I wasn't going to upload this at all, but I felt kind of bad about taking so long to update my other stories so here's something to tide everyone over until I can get my head out of my ass.

This fanfic takes a lot of creative liberties with Uchiha Sasuke's situation; so let's all pretend for a few minutes that Kakashi-tachi managed to get him away from Madara before attempting to murder everyone in Konohagakure.

Twenty Minutes with Jerks  
By Kaori

"Where are you taking me?" Sasuke demanded. He was being rather blasé considering he was tied to a pole and being hauled like a pig at a luau. He still didn't know how he'd ended up in this position to begin with but for some reason he couldn't bring himself to care; now that he thought about it lots of details about what had happened after he woke up this morning were fuzzy and hard to focus on. Coming to the conclusion that they must have drugged him, he waited for his captors to reply.

"For the forty-fourth time we're taking you to your Avengers Anonymous meeting." Naruto grunted, shifting his end of the pole onto his other shoulder.

"Why?"

"Because you have a problem and you need help." Kakashi said from his end of the pole. "It was one thing when you ran off to seek vengeance on Itachi; that was a natural reaction to him killing your family and inflicting severe mental trauma on you. Twice. It was another thing after you killed your brother to go after Danzo; since Sandaime-sama was already dead you went after the only other person you could really blame for the massacre. We totally get that. We don't like it, but we get it. However, when you then up and decided to kill everyone in Konoha, that was going too damn far. If we let you continue on this path you'll probably decide to murder everyone in the world, and we can't have that. Now try to remember this conversation the next time you wake up from the tranquilizers. Sakura?"

"Right." And the rosette shot him with a blow dart or two hundred...

The next time Sasuke woke up he was in a room with a group of weird looking people. In front of the room stood a young, blue-haired woman who exuded nothing but the aura of love and peace. "Hello," she said cheerily. "for those of you who are new to the sessions, I am Dr. Kozi! You are all here because people who care about you are worried that you are overly obsessed with revenge and that you're obsession will lead you to bring down apocalyptic disaster upon the world, or at the very least cause them serious inconvenience. So let's go around the room and introduce ourselves, starting with our new young friend here." Sasuke glared at her.

"My name is Uchiha Sasuke." He grunted.

"Hi, Sasuke." Everyone else chorused; Sasuke's left eyebrow twitched.

"And why are you here?" coached Dr. Kozi.

"Because my so-called friends are a bunch of bastards who drugged me and forced me to come here." Sasuke ground out. Dr. Kozi clicked her tongue in disapproval.

"Now Sasuke-kun, we can't begin to help you if you don't admit that you have a problem." Sasuke scowled at her.

"_I_ don't have a problem, everyone else has a problem." The therapist just shook her head.

"Well, when you're ready to begin your healing we will all be here for you. In the meantime, why don't we continue the introductions?" A grizzled old man holding a harpoon stood up next.

"My name is Captain Ahab."

"Hi Captain Ahab!" said everyone else but Sasuke.

"And I am here because I feel I must kill the white whale that took my leg and killed my son!" he roared, shaking his harpoon. "If not for the thrice damned International Whale Protection Organization I would have had him by God!"

"Now, now." Soothed Dr. Kozi. "You cannot hold an animal responsible for its actions as it is incapable of moral thought and therefore is unable of making decisions based on human concepts of good and evil. Revenge will do you no good as all you will have achieved is proving yourself a barbarian." Captain Ahab grumbled something uncomplimentary about uppity women and sat down. A dark-haired woman in a maid's uniform and glasses, carrying an umbrella stood up.

"My name is Roberta…" Dr. Kozi tutted at her.

"I believe one of the rules is that we won't use aliases here."

"Then how the hell do you expect to remain anonymous." Sasuke muttered.

"We won't tell anybody you're here and anything you say at this meeting will remain confidential."

"Ahem…" interrupted the dark-haired woman.

"Oh I'm sorry, do proceed."

"As I was saying," sighed the maid. "My name is…Rosarita Cisneros." She looked over at Dr. Kozi, who beamed at her.

"Hi Rosarita!" (I don't need to tell you the deal with this now, do I?)

"And I am here because my young master believes I must learn not to continue the endless chain of hatred and revenge." Under her breath she added as she sat down. "Even though those hijos de perras deserve to die…"

The introductions continued for another ten minutes each person, to Sasuke at least, having perfectly reasonable grounds for wanting revenge. He could get to like them.

"Okay," Dr. Kozi clapped her hands. "Does anyone have anything they'd like to share with the group today?" A dark-haired teenager with a yellow bandana around his forehead raised his hand. "Go ahead Ryouga."

"Well, yesterday I was unable to exact my revenge on Ranma for causing me to have this horrible curse inflicted on me."

"Now Ryouga, we talked about this. Pursuing the path of revenge has only gotten you beaten up. While being cursed to turn into a pig every time you get splashed with cold water may be inconvenient, it is your own fault that you ended up this way. After all, "in taking revenge man is but equal to his enemy; but in passing it over he is superior." Seeing as you are both cursed it just goes to illustrate my point that revenge only leads to more suffering." She turned around dramatically and spread her arms wide. "Besides, what does killing those who have wronged you accomplish other than bringing yourself more enemies? Is it not said that when you kill one enemy you must plan for the hundred enemies you have just created? Do you really want to spend your life running from people seeking your blood for the wrong you have done them? No! That is not living! Better to turn the other cheek for an instant than to spend your days forever having to watch your back!"

"And what if the person who wronged you has no one left to seek vengeance for them?" countered Sasuke. "If there is no threat of retaliation what purpose does not exacting revenge serve?"

"It serves to show that you are a better human being than they are and brings the world one step closer to peace."

"I think I'll take my chances…TSUKIYOMI!" Dr. Kozi fell to the ground in a twitching heap. "You guys can take the pacifistic route if you want, but I've been in the vengeance business too long to give it up now. I won't be satisfied until every drop of blood is repaid with interest!" And with that, he made a dramatic exit out the door.

Two hours later the owner of the building came in to find out why Dr. Kozi hadn't left yet only to find the poor woman laid out on the floor still in a Tsukiyomi-induced coma, the group having long since abandoned her in the pursuit of sweet revenge. He sighed. This seemed to happen every single time that Uchiha kid got brought in. This made sixteen therapists in six months.

Sasuke was feeling rather pleased with himself. He'd once again escaped the Avengers Anonymous meeting and gotten revenge on those who'd sent him there. Kakashi was reliving the day his best friend was killed on a mission, Sakura was reliving the day he tried to kill her, and Naruto was locked in a box with only his head exposed while a bowl of ramen sat just two feet away.

Yes, revenge is sweet.

Today his former teammates, tomorrow Konoha!


End file.
